


Fix it

by madsmeetsmisha



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bad Decisions, Fix-It, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 14:12:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18718675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madsmeetsmisha/pseuds/madsmeetsmisha
Summary: While Bucky struggles to adjust to his new life without his best friend, Steve finds out that love sometimes has different faces. But now it's too late, isn't it?





	Fix it

**Author's Note:**

> !!!Avengers Endgame Spoiler Warning!!!
> 
> Hello guys, after Endgame left me almost traumatized, I decided to do something for myself and write my own end. What bothered me most about Endgame was that in my opinion Steve's loyal character was completely destroyed. Not because he decided to live with Peggy. Somehow this was very cute and I am realistic enough to know that Captain America would never have a happy ending with a man. But that Steve and Bucky only had one sentence together, that Steve didn't even say one word to Bucky when he sat on the bench as an old man, (something like: I had a good life Buck, but I missed you. Take care of yourself. I don't know, anything to show us he was thinking about his best friend sometimes.) pissed me off so much. I can't believe the Russo brothers couldn't even give us this. And this despite the fact that friendship and loyalty between Bucky and Steve played such a huge role in the Captain America movies. All of this makes me not only sad but also very angry. I feel betrayed!  
> Therefore I had to write my own little fix it fic, in which I go a step further. If I'm going to make the effort to write a whole fic because the end of the film sucks for me, of course, Stucky will be my endgame!
> 
> This story is beta-read by the lovely @Fight_Those_fairies ^.^
> 
> In my fic, the (for me most traumatic) scene ^.^ the bench just happened in Buckys dreams. Everything else is canon.
> 
> So go ahead and cry with me... but don't panic! Of course, there will be a happy ending for Bucky and Steve - together!
> 
> !!!Avengers Endgame Spoiler Warning!!!

 

 

Bucky brushed one hand through his hair. He knew he looked like shit and that was how he felt as well. Ever since Steve decided to stay in the past six months ago, he hadn't been able to get a decent night’s sleep. Not once.

"Hey, Buck! Sorry, I’m late. No offence, but you really look terrible. Still the same dream?", Sam said when he entered the bar taking the seat next to Bucky. Worry was written all over his face.

Bucky took a sip of his beer. Pity was the last thing he needed right now. What he required was a distraction.

"Yes, always the same dream," he grumbled tiredly taking a sip of his beer. Oh God, why the heck couldn’t Bucky sleep just one whole night in one go?

"I know it's not easy, but you have to move on. Just like he did."  Sam soothed him and patted him on the shoulder.

A burst of joyless laughter escaped Bucky’s mouth. He had tried. He had tried so many times. But it was impossible to adjust to the fact that he was living in a world without Steve.

"Believe me, there's nothing I would rather do. I know he's happy. He lives the life he always wanted. Peggy is his true love. I should be happy for him. . . And I really try, Sam, I do, but…" Bucky's voice broke.

". . . but there's this dream." Sam finished.

Bucky nodded.

"Yes, there is this dream. And it haunts me every night" Bucky confessed.

"Would you like to talk about it? You never told me what happens in that dream."

Bucky knew Sam had deliberately avoided asking until now. Probably he was afraid Bucky would shut himself off from everyone completely, that it was too painful to talk about the dream. And it did fucking hurt like hell!

Maybe it would be a relief if he finally talked to someone about it. Tony probably would have dragged him to a psychologist by now. And Natasha would have forced him to talk about it. Just because she knew there were things you had to talk about, no matter how painful it was. But neither Natasha nor Tony were alive. Fuck! After all that's happened, how was anybody supposed to move on?

Nervously, he cleared his throat.

"Just before Steve travelled back in time and. . . and stayed there, we had a brief conversation. He asked me if I would go back with him if we ever had the chance" Bucky started to explain.

"I already knew back then what he was up to and why. We all knew he carried this fucking compass with her picture with him everywhere, at every battle, in the ice... everywhere.” Bucky went on explaining and waved at the bartender, indicating to bring another beer for him and one for Sam.

"I told him that I wouldn't go back, even if I had the chance to do so."

Sam nodded.

"May I ask why not?" he asked taking his bottle from the bartender.

Bucky played with the label on the new bottle.  He never told anybody the truth. But somehow he wanted to tell Sam. He trusted the other man.

"For several reasons. First off, I didn't want to watch when Steve lives his perfect life with Peggy and their two kids and the other reason why I didn't want to go back is”, he took a deep breath

“...is that I'm gay. Not exactly the best conditions to return to my time." Bucky sighed.

Sam didn't look very surprised. Maybe he already suspected something like that.

“Wow! I'm honoured that you're telling me this. Did Steve know?“ Sam inquired.

“That I am gay? No, he didn’t. No one did. At least I think so.”

“So you never told him that you are in love with him?”

Bucky felt tears prick in the corner of his eyes.

“No, he doesn’t know. And he never will,” Bucky confessed with a hoarse voice taking another sip from the beer.

“So, what’s your dream about?” Sam asked gently.

“Okay, I’ll tell you but I don’t whether you’ll understand why it’s a nightmare to me. When Steve travelled back in time, I knew he wasn't coming back. In my dream, he. . . I look over to the lake after we realized he won’t come back. And there on the bench is Steve as an old man. He just sits there looking out at the water. I want to go and talk to him, hug him, but I can't. It's you  who talks to him at the bench, not me.”

Bucky closed his eyes for a brief moment before he continued: “I know it sounds ridiculous, but in my dream. . . it feels so wrong that Steve doesn't even turn around and to look if I'm there. That he doesn't care about me. It's like ... like I am nothing to him. He. . . he hands the shield to you and. . . and then... Fuck! Then he just goes back home to his wife, to his life without me. I know it might be the last time I see him alive because he is very old and . . . and I can't go to him and he . . . he doesn't care if I'm alive or dead... .and it hurts like hell that he doesn't care...that he just left me behind…”

Bucky had given up the fight against the tears. They ran down his cheeks quietly.

Impatiently he wiped them away with the hem of his sleeve. Fuck it! Fuck Steve Rogers for leaving him! Fuck him! Oh God, Bucky was so furious! And he knew he had no right to be angry about his best friend choosing to live with the love of his life. And of course, he had no right to be angry that the love of his life was Peggy and not himself.

"You know that wouldn't be possible, right, Bucky? Bruce explained it to us. Steve's on a different timeline. He didn't grow old in our timeline. Everything you would change in the past would change the present. Maybe you even wouldn’t exist because your parents didn’t meet as a result of your actions. I know it's confusing but I can assure you that Steve would never be able to visit us as an old man. Not to mention the fact that he can't give the shield to me because it was destroyed. And even if someone would be able to fix it, he didn't take it with him. It is still in the Stark tower. And he also isn't able to get the one from his timeline because original Steve from this timeline is still in the ice, and so is his shield."

Bucky laughed despite the tears in his eyes.

"Do you really want to calm me down with facts and physics?"

"Is it working?" Sam wanted to know.

"A little" Bucky managed to smile making another sip of his beer.

"You know he loved you, don't you? Maybe not in the same way you loved him, but he loved you." Sam's voice was quiet, almost a whisper.

"That's what I'm trying to tell myself, but sometimes... sometimes I am not sure anymore" Bucky sighed.

"What do you mean?" Sam frowned at him.

"I don't know...I was gone for five years, at the time when Thanos had hauled half of the population to nowhere. For me, everything happened in the blink of an eye, but it was five years for him. I don't know... maybe... maybe he just got used to living without me. And maybe... maybe it was easier. We all know that I still haven't quite gotten over my time with Hydra. Maybe he just didn't feel like dealing with my shit anymore...I don't know." Bucky cleared his throat. Which grown man was pathetic enough to cry in a bar, for fuck’s sake?

"Bucky! You know that's not true. You've been brought back when we all had to fight against Thanos' army in the final battle. And after that, everything was so chaotic. There just wasn't any time for a heartwarming reunion. When the opportunity arose to live a life with Peggy, he used it. You can't hold that against him. I'm sure he knew it was his only chance to live a normal life" Sam insisted.

"I know... it still hurts," Bucky sobbed.

"Fuck, I know buddy! But Steve didn't know about your feelings. You never gave him a chance to react. And I’m sure he misses you too. Everyone with eyes was able to see how much he loved you."

"Yeah, maybe he did. . . but not enough. . . " Bucky murmured.

"Knowing him, he's about to save the Bucky from his timeline from Hydra. I don't think Steve Rogers can imagine a life without you" Sam chuckled.

Bucky knew that Sam just wanted to comfort him, but he didn't like the idea of Steve replacing him with his former self from another timeline at all. He knew it was totally insane, but he was jealous of that other Bucky. God, all those time-travel stuff always caused him headaches!

"Don't say you're jealous of yourself now!"

Bucky felt amazed and a bit flustered how easy it was for Sam to see right through him. Bucky had to chuckle. It really was weird!

"Oh, God! I'm right! You're even jealous of your own past-self. Bucky, Steve asked whether you wanted to come with him. He probably wanted you to stay in his life! You declined. And he will never know why because you didn't tell him. I'm sure it's not easy for him either."

Sam was right. He knew how pathetic he was. But he had no idea how to change it. How did someone get over the love of their life?

"I know Sam. I just don't know how to move on. I've spent my whole life thinking about Steve, except when I was brainwashed. And even back then ... Sam, I just don't know how to suddenly stop loving him?" Bucky replied hopelessly.

"I know buddy. And that's the reason I wanted to meet you today. We need you back in the tower. And you my dear friend need a distraction.  I know you said everything reminds you of the ones that are gone. Believe me, I feel the same way. But the world still needs us, maybe more than ever because there is a big insecurity out there. People are traumatized because of all the terrible things that happened. Bucky you are one of us! We need you more than ever! We have to show the world that there are enough of us left to protect them!"

Bucky knew Sam was right. He needed a distraction, something meaningful to do. And he knew that when he would have less time to mope about, he would eventually feel better. Of course, he never would be able to stop loving Steve, but maybe he could find a way to live without Steve.

"Yes, Sam. Maybe you’re right. I think it's really time to move on. I'll come back to the tower." Bucky said his voice determined and for the first time since Steve left, he felt something like hope rising inside of him.

"Really? You don't know how happy that makes me! We really need you, man. And by the way, even though you may not fall out of love very soon you don't have to live like a monk. We are living in the 21st century. There are a lot of very attractive men out there who certainly wouldn't mind making your acquaintance” Sam winked at him.

Bucky had to laugh. He knew it would take a long time until he would be able to even look at other men but he felt lighter than he had for ages. Maybe life had some good surprises in store for him after all.

 


End file.
